


too much

by V_e_s_a_n_u_s



Series: Whumptober 2018 [21]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Drowning, F/M, Love, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Whumptober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_e_s_a_n_u_s/pseuds/V_e_s_a_n_u_s
Summary: Day number 24 of #whumptober! Prompt was drowning.It was all too much for Marian, all the hopes and expectations of everyone around her all weighing on her... it was like she couldn't breathe. It was like she was drowning in the expectations of everyone else. She wished it would all stop.(As you can tell from the tags, this isn't a cheery fic, so just be aware of that)





	too much

Everything was too much. It was overwhelming. 

Marian was meant to be so much. She was meant to be a Champion, someone to fight back against the corruption in this city. She was meant to be a leader, someone to bring them out of these dark times. She was meant to be a role model, someone for mages to look up to. She was meant to be a friend, someone for them all to depend on. She was meant to be a partner, someone who supported and cared for Anders. She was meant to be  _ Hawke.  _

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t the Hawke everyone thought she was, who everyone  _ wanted  _ her to be. 

She was just Marian. Just another refugee who was just as lost and confused as the rest of them. 

Everyone, the Viscount, the Knight Commander, the First Enchanter, her friends, even random people on the  _ street _ … they all came to her with problems.  Help with this, fix that, find this, save them… It was too much. She was only one person.    
One very small person in a very big world with a lot weighing on her shoulders. 

She was drowning in it. 

She couldn’t be there for Anders, not like she wanted to, not like  _ he _ wanted her to. She was always busy, never had time for him. It seemed the only time they spent together was when they went on missions together. They could barely talk even then. But Anders was still committed, still loving. 

In those precious moments they had together, he would hold her, make sure she knew she was safe, she was loved and she was beautiful. And although she couldn’t believe it most of the time, she believed that  _ he _ believed it. It was almost enough. 

But the more tasks she had to do, the more pressure pressing down on her, the less time she had for him. The less space in her mind she could dedicate to him. And, although she hated to admit it, she could feel the candle she held for him start to dwindle. She couldn’t care for him in the same way he did for her. Not anymore. 

She didn’t have the energy to love him. It broke her heart the day she realised she wasn’t in love with him anymore. She wanted it-  _ by the Maker, she wanted to.  _ But she wasn’t. She was too preoccupied with other things, to stressed with her burden that she just couldn’t. 

Marian’s heart ached when she thought of him. She couldn’t tell him. Not Anders. He’d been through so much. She would ruin him. 

So she grit her teeth, reciprocating his affection when they had the chance, muttering about how she loved him when she could. It was tearing her up inside. She was lying to the man she once loved. It was seared into her mind, one horrifying thought, that maybe if she could pretend to love him like this for so long, that maybe she didn’t love him at all. That terrified her.    
She told herself that what they had was real. But truthfully? She couldn’t tell what was real anymore. 

That guilt plagued her constantly. It added to why she was so busy, one unending cycle of torment. She was so guilty about it that she tried to make up for it: taking up jobs every which way until it was the only thing that was on her mind. It was worse now. 

She felt like she had nothing to fight for. 

Before, it was Anders. Anders, with his soft smile and laughing eyes, his rough hands and his scratchy beard, his sweet nothings and his complete adoration of her. She fought for him. She fought for him so hard that she lost sight of him. And now she was losing him. 

Who did she fight for now? What did she fight for? 

Kirkwall? The city that depended on her but offered no sense of gratitude? 

Her family? The family that seemed to be getting smaller by the day?

Herself? The one who caused all this mess to begin with?

She didn’t know. All she knew was that it was too much. She just wished it would stop. All of it. She didn’t  _ want _ to feel like this, like a disappointment, like a failure, like a  _ traitor.  _ She didn’t want to have to look at Anders and see everything she’d ruined. She didn’t want to look at Kirkwall and see everything that was expected for her. She didn’t want anything. 

She just wanted it to stop. 

And that’s how she arrived here. 

Knelt down at the foot of her bed, door open in an empty mansion, the rooms eerily quiet. The fireplace was dwindling, still alight, but it was cold. She didn’t feel the cold. Her arms were bare. In one hand, she held a knife. 

_ This is it,  _ she thought,  _ this is the only way.  _

Her mind was hazy, emotional, turbulent and confused. It was exactly what she didn’t want. 

She brought the blade down across her wrists, lightly, at first, watching as the bright red droplets started appearing. In that moment, her mind went blank. Clean. Free. 

She gasped at the pain and at the numb sensation in her mind. In awe, she did it again. Deeper, this time. The cut hurt a lot more but the white noise in her head blocked it out. She was free from everything that was plaguing her, everything that was drowning her here in Kirkwall. 

She loved it, and she needed more of it. 

She cut deeper and deeper and slashed at her forearms until there was blood everywhere, her wrist a bloody mess made of shreds of skin and muscle. She tilted her head back, resting it groggily against the foot of the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. This was it. This was what she wanted. 

She felt herself dip in and out of consciousness for a while. She felt light and heavy at the same time, as if the world was swaying. She couldn’t tell if she was floating or she was falling.

That’s how he found her.

“Oh, Maker, no! Marian!” Anders yelped the second he saw her, skidding to the floor next to her, immediately putting pressure on her wrist to stop any more of the blood leaking out. 

Her head fell forwards, looking at him with dizzy eyes, which immediately filled with tears seeing the look on his face. He was scared, not for himself, for  _ her.  _ But she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to be saved.  _ This  _ is what she deserved, that’s why she was doing it. It was the only way to save everyone else from herself. 

She weakly tried to pull her arm out of his grip but he only held on tighter, pressing a blanket he’d grabbed off of the bed into her arm. “No… no…” she said weakly, “I don’t want…”

Anders ignored her, shoving the blanket out of the way and drawing on his magic and casting a spell over the shredded flesh at her wrist. It slowly began to knit its way back together. Marian tried to pull away, tears falling down her cheeks.  _ No, no no! This is all wrong!  _

Anders’ eyes were pained and sick with worry when he met hers again, “Marian, what were you  _ doing?”  _

Marian’s head bobbed from side to side blearily. She didn’t know. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. She just knew that she was tired. She was tired of trying to keep herself afloat in a world where she didn’t want to swim. She’d rather just drown. 

She couldn’t tell Anders that. Marian looked down, and didn’t meet his eyes. 

Anders pulled her into a hug, desperate and scared, “Maker, don’t do that again,” he pulled her back and looked her in the eye seriously, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Yes. That was what she was afraid of.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed? I feel like that isn't quite the right way to end this, but anyway...


End file.
